Dark Places of BED

Binge Eating Disorder is not really made as aware as Anorexia or Bulimia, because some people don’t believe it’s a disorder. Their response is “stop eating so much.”

BED is so much more than just “eating too much.” It is deeply rooted in emotion and is truly a psychological disorder.

Most of us don’t even know when or how it started, all we know is that we can’t get control and stop it.

I’ve never shared this before because thinking about it makes me so angry and disgusted with myself for ever letting this happen; but I know someone out there is struggling with this RIGHT NOW and if my words can somehow make an impact on their life, it is worth it for me to endure others judgement, criticism and disgust.

 

See that box of donut holes, I used to go to Wal-Mart and get one, eat the ENTIRE thing BY MYSELF, in ONE SITTING, at LEAST once a week. {that entire thing has more calories than one person should eat in a day!} I would literally gorge until I was gonna vomit. Sometimes I even took laxatives afterwards because I thought it would erase everything I ate.

I don’t know when this started, I don’t know why it started, I don’t know how I let it start.

What I do know, is that I couldn’t stop. I knew how bad it was for me and sick it made me, but it wasn’t something I could control. I turned a blind eye to the amount of sugar and fat I was putting into my body. I just kept putting hand to mouth until it was empty.

Especially on bad days. I needed “something” to make me feel better, so my brain started connecting these with comfort.

I used them to temporarily fill that void and emptiness inside of me. It temporarily numbed my loneliness. It temporarily quieted my anxiety and depression. I was a slave to food and I was a slave to my disorder.

For the longest time I didn’t even realize that I had BED, I just thought I was an emotional eater. So I never told anyone, I thought it would go away. When it didn’t and it got worse, I was too embarrassed.

It may sound ridiculous to you, but when I let God back into my heart, I gave my BED up to Him. I couldn’t recover from it on my own and I didn’t want it anymore. I haven’t bought a carton of donut holes since, and I haven’t turned to food when I’m having a bad day, instead I write in my journal or turn to scripture.

Fighting to overcome this disorder and having a totally new outlook on food has played a huge role in my life transformation. I’m not drowned with negative emotion and coping with food, which in turn made me hate myself even more. I have more room in my life for positivity and joy.

Psychological disorders, even ones that seem as insignificant as eating disorders, can take you to a dark place. No one should ever be ashamed of where they’ve been or ashamed to ask for help. We are too quick to pass judgement when sometimes just a tiny bit of kindness or love could completely transform a person.

 

 

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